We are constantly reading in the media about scandals involving men and women from all walks of life, who have succumbed to affairs. From politicians to celebrities down to ourselves. We all have secrets, sexual or otherwise that may or may not become exposed. Secrets have ruined lives and relationships. A secret affair can divide and separate partners, or stimulate and rejuvenate relationships. Either way involves lies, guilt, shame and possible loss of a loved one. Many couples feeling restricted by domestic circumstances that have denied them the freedom to fully express their sexuality and imagination. Thus they go out to reinvent their selves, re-imaging and reinforcing their sexuality with exciting or dangerous strangers/affairs out side of their relationships.

In my therapy practice I've worked with both men and women who have been unfaithful and those that have been betrayed. There are many reasons why someone is seduced into betraying their partner. My work as a Couple Relationship Therapist is to help discover what issues brought about the conditions that led to any betrayals, unresolved issues and breakdowns in communication, helping to restore communication, trust and intimacy.

Helping to reconcile the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish for what’s exciting and mysterious. Very often people end up having affairs to break with the boredom and predictability involved in their relationships. My work involves helping them to rediscover the curiosity and attraction that brought them together, or if the decision has been made to separate, to coach couples through painful separations that have come about because of an infidelity or relationship breakdown.
One often overlooked dynamic is one of secrecy. Where the walls of deceit grow and separate partners.

The Power of Secrets

Some people are drawn to the idea of keeping secrets. Whether the secret involves an extra-marital affair, gambling, shopping, or alcohol/drugs, keeping a secret seems to hold a special meaning for the secret-holder, beyond the content of what is kept hidden. For obvious reasons, secret affairs can become a major part of this idea.

The real secret is not the affair itself but the even deeper secrets about the marriage/relationship that neither partner can face confronting. The affair can act as a smoke screen to hide the disappointments and failures, anger or sadness that has come between them.

True intimacy cannot exist when you build walls of secrecy around each other.

CBT and other Therapies can assist with the recovery of the above anxieties. Telephone Counselling and Re-Educational Workshops for Women are also available. Please contact me on 01732 453758/07882 369 663 or email enquiries@psychotherapysevenoaks.com