We have all experienced varying degrees of the ‘green eyed monster.’ But jealous feelings and thoughts can blow out of all proportion. It is a complex matter because our own individual realities contain such a diversity of emotional reactions, thoughts and behaviour.

Whereby, we may all react quite differently to any potentially jealousy inducing circumstances. Jealousy is not one feeling but several emotions mixed together For example, one lady worked out her jealousy was 50% powerlessness, 30% fear and 20% anger. Jealousy can manifest as any of the following:

• Emotions – fear, pain, anger, rage, hurt, sadness, anxiety, envy, grief, humiliation, loneliness, paranoia, depression, feeling powerless, feeling betrayed, rejected, excluded or inadequate.
• Thoughts - resentment, blame, suspicion, comparison with the rival, worry about self image.
• Behaviour - feeling faint, trembling and sweating, panic attacks, constant questioning and seeking reassurances, aggressive action even violence. Self-blame and justification.
• If your behaviour involves – ‘becoming numb’,’ withdrawn,’ ‘getting quiet’ or ‘lashing out’ and saying things you don’t mean. These are ways that we protect/shield ourselves from the pain/jealousy that we are feeling.

How jealousy can protect love

Mild jealous feelings can be a positive influence on a relationship. Making ‘love’ seem stronger and sex more passionate. Manageable, healthy doses of jealousy can help us appreciate and value each other more fully. Helping to maintain natural protective instincts within the family, with friends or within ‘love’ relationships.

How jealousy can damage a relationship

When jealousy is extreme and totally irrational then it is a destructive force with a devastating impact on the relationship. Unhealthy jealously stems from fear, insecurity, deception or covetousness/possessiveness. It is about real or imagined fears. When you find yourself ‘acting out’ in jealousy, you need to examine the reason why you feel jealous. Does a ‘threat’ actually exist, is your relationship in danger. Or is your perception and sensitivity unbalanced. Are you actually making the situation worse? Living with jealousy, battling with it in a ‘love’ relationship can threaten ones survival leading to Co-dependent, dysfunctional relationships.

The root of jealousy

Jealousy is about all aspects of FEAR. Fear about the unknown, of change. The fear of losing love, power or control in relationships. The fear of being abandoned, rejected, not being good enough, clever enough, pretty enough, sexy enough. The fear of scarcity and loss. The fear of the past. Fear of the future and the fear of the present. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about ourselves, our worthiness, anxiety about our adequateness as lovers/people and doubts about our own desirability.

Overcoming jealousy is a huge challenge. It takes patience and hard work. If jealousy is an issue in your life, it is wise to try to understand your behaviour and what lies underneath it. To identify past negative patterns/triggers that are influencing present relationships. Learning to step out of patterns of conflict and take steps focusing on what you want to achieve. So you can begin to heal and discover the rewards of being in a healthy loving relationship and explore past triggers and repetitive behaviour that has built up over years of self protection .No longer reacting in a situation as if one’s being were threatened but to ‘be’ with your partner free of the fear that something is at stake.

"The demand to be safe in a relationship inevitably breeds sorrow and fear. 
This seeking for security is inviting insecurity"
'On Love' by Krishnamurti

CBT and other Therapies can assist with the recovery of the above anxieties. Please contact me on 01732 453758/07882 369 663 or email enquiries@psychotherapysevenoaks.com for a free half hour introductory consultation.